December 11th

after a very hot and restless night, up and cooking bacon for butties for 20, there is no smell quite like it, followed by crafting 8 pointed stars then off home, after exchanging presents and Christmas wishes.
Quick trip up to Wednesbury to the world of Creative Sisters, more star making, painting baubles and exchanging news, trying to decide what was on the timetable for next term. I rather fancy block printing after seeing some wonderful creations using old printing blocks. Feeling inspired to start an art journal and to see where that leads…
Home for a late afternoon nap after a phone call and hearing all about the spinning class Alison went to and the plans for the move to Shetland – Muckle Flugga to be more precise. Sounds like a new way of cursing!

December 10th

What a wonderful way to spend the day, I drove up to snowy Derbyshire and met Marion. We wandered with great glee around the shops at Chatsworth buying wonderful things and then went round the house all dressed up for Christmas – Russian theme of sumptuous delight.
Sharing a platter of food- brushetta with spicy warming topping, philly filled mushrooms and a tiny butternut squash and cheese tart, followed by delicious coffee and a sinful mince pie.
Then what a night, sleeping over with 17 girls and 2 other leaders at Trefoil House, a trip to the German market, merry round riding, shopping, eating too and of course photographs of fun. Back for hot chocolate and while the girls watched a DVD, catching up on crafting and chat.

December 9th

Great excitement, exhibited for the first time, seeing my felt work hanging gave me a secret thrill.
Mild weather no need for a coat just my trusty pink cardigan.
Struggling to remember how to do the eight pointed stars so I can teach them to others – and the eureka moment when it turned out right.

December 8th

c

Crisp cold days, shivering with intent. coated leaves in an icy sheen, slipping and sliding on the pavement.
Christmas cake fruits soaking, smelling divine. One for sister and mini’s for many.
Wool slipping through my fingers knitting a scarf, is it wide enough, warm enough, will the recipient like it?

new beginnings or return to the blog

I am not sure what has brought me back but maybe it is the feeling that I am at a point of new beginnings, not that anything is planned  but perhaps after the last two years or so the time has come to make some changes. Breast cancer is not behind me but will always be with me, yes the treatment ended back in May except for taking the tablets for the next 4.5 years but the feelings and thoughts of it although less painful and the memories of how it was are less acute it is now a fact of my life and as such needs acknowledgement by me, it does not      define me but it is part of who I am. It does not stop me from doing things, trying out new things and working out where I want to go. I want a more stress free life and to get that some things will need to change and some of that is me and my attitudes, I also need to decide what are the non negotiables and what is the rest. This is the starting place – its my life and where do I want it to and let me find the courage to get there or change my route. I don’t expect future entries to be soul searching in the main but a statement of my everyday living and the things (experiences, people place) that help to make me tick.

Ring Out, Wild Bells

 

I like poetry and heard P.D James read this out on the Today programme on radio 4 this morning and decided it was fitting end to an old year and the commencement of the New. It is part of Tennyson’s In Memoriam.

 

Ring Out, Wild Bells

Ring out, wild bells, to the wild sky,
The flying cloud, the frosty light;
The year is dying in the night;
Ring out, wild bells, and let him die.

Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells, across the snow:
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the true.

Ring out the grief that saps the mind,
For those that here we see no more,
Ring out the feud of rich and poor,
Ring in redress to all mankind.

Ring out a slowly dying cause,
And ancient forms of party strife;
Ring in the nobler modes of life,
With sweeter manners, purer laws.

Ring out the want, the care the sin,
The faithless coldness of the times;
Ring out, ring out my mournful rhymes,
But ring the fuller minstrel in.

Ring out false pride in place and blood,
The civic slander and the spite;
Ring in the love of truth and right,
Ring in the common love of good.

Ring out old shapes of foul disease,
Ring out the narrowing lust of gold;
Ring out the thousand wars of old,
Ring in the thousand years of peace.

Ring in the valiant man and free,
The larger heart, the kindlier hand;
Ring out the darkness of the land,
Ring in the Christ that is to be.

- Alfred Lord Tennyson

30th December 2009

had my last chemo today, what a relief to have it over before 2010. It has been a rough ride, more treatment to come but hopefully less demanding. Feel ok before the side effects kick in.

sunday 13th September

Spent the afternoon with guiding friends, good food, good company, good conversation. We have been meeting as a trainers support group with some changes for a number of years now, so we have a comfortable relationship which may be about to change.

We had comfort food last night and shared the cooking – just pork steaks,  mashed carrot and swede and fried potatoes – perfect end to a’ perfeck’ day.

Spoke to Judy about the trials and tribulations of our lives. I feel lucky in my friends and family.

thinking

I have been avoiding blogging was never very good at keeping a diary, but I have decided that I don’t want this to become a cancer blog, because quite frankly I don’t want to be reminded of the awfulness of it all. It sucks, it’s not a nice place to be and life is so much more than this episode. So chemo has been the pits, really debilitating but the alternative is far worse. So I might mention it but I will not allow it to dominate and shape all I do or don’t do.

Have just had a lovely time staying with my sister, I bought her and my brother in law a book to celebrate their silver wedding – Moroccan cooking. They had a splendid trip to celebrate it, following on from the wonderful time my sister and I had last year. So last night we did the sisters cooking together and made a lovely fish tagine, delicately spiced and glowing with colours of tomatoes and green peppers – fabulous.

I love reading but find more serious books difficult at present, so immersed myself in reading Second Honeymoon by Joanna Trollope – pure escapism – lovely.

What and where and why

I have been away from here to a place I did not expect to go, a place that has taken my energy, my thoughts and challenged me and still I have a long journey ahead  probably filled with tears, laughter, tears, joy, more tears both happy and sad, gratitude, love and most importantly hope.
I had a routine mamogram at the beginning of April, the date should be significant but unless I look it up I can’t remember. The significant detail was being told I had breast cancer – bugger, but rather me than my sister.
Hell, I had to tell my brother and sister, that was hard as it is only three years since our darling Mummy secumbed to the same dreadful disease. Oh, yes I know it is different – hers was elderly onset and very aggressive, I am ‘young’  fit and it was early detection all the signs for a good outcome – but it still sucks.
I am not angry, I don’t think why me, I do not feel sorry for myself, this is something to be faced head on, and dealt with. I have great belief that I will live until I am 92 and that I am going to be fine, after all my glass is always half full. But that does not stop me from being scared along the way.